Dearest Oatis,
Happy holidays! I beg your advice on a topic I have always struggled over – what do you buy women for Christmas? My mum is hosting the festivities this year, and it’s the first holiday season of my life in which I’ll have a girlfriend in tow. Usually, my Dad will just buy my Mum gifts on my behalf, wrap them for me, sign the card for me, and all I have to do is give it to her on the day (I’m 26 for reference) – but this year, I really want to impress my girl, and show her that I can be a good provider. But I’ve no idea what women like! I’ve never listened to ANYTHING my Mum or gf have told me they enjoy! Flowers? A makeup? Handbags? A set of bathroom scales?!
Your wisdom is always graciously heeded. I idolise you, Oatis. I’m a bit drunk #mulled cider and I think I’m in love with you.
Your loyal follower,
CONFUSED SANTA
Dear Confused Santa,
I’m flattered by your compliments – this would not be the first time someone has drunkenly confessed their love for me. Holidays are such a bore – I think my esotericism, aloofness, and general carnal pragmaticism is a huge turn-on for people who are fed up by the Dairy Milk family-size boxes and reruns of Love, Actually. God, what a drag. I’d rather watch the Godfather.
I understand your predicament. Women are incredibly hard to please. It’s why I personally have never once pleased a woman, in any capacity. It’s too much of a hassle – it takes up a lot of brain power and time that could be spent watching Coppola video essays or telling people they’re wrong. On principle, I don’t celebrate any holidays. Especially not Valentine’s Day. You wouldn’t believe how many women have ended non-committal one-sided affairs with me because I refused to buy them a card on February 14th. Life hack for you – anyone that chooses to worship Saint Valentine is obviously a member of the Herd, and not your kind of crowd.
I think the holiday season kowtows to the Hive Mind that plagues our modern world and kneels to capitalism’s lofty demands. However, I do understand the masculine urge to impress a woman – ah, the mating dance of the 21st century! As such, I have compiled a list of gifts that are sure to thrill any woman in your life – from mother to lover.
STUDIES IN HYSTERIA BY SIGMUND FREUD (book)
This book is an enticing read for women, who famously adore Freud’s work and agree with him wholeheartedly. As we all know, hysteria is stored in the womb (pardon my French), and this may help the women in your life be less aggy when it’s That Time Of The Month. Your mum asked for an easy holiday read, perhaps some classic feminist literature, a dab of Jane Austen? Forget it. Trust me, the greatest gift a man can give to a woman is an understanding of her own body.
A MOON SHAPED POOL BY RADIOHEAD (vinyl)
This is a great introductory record to non-Radiohead fans (let’s be real – there’s only a handful of Real Music fans in the world, of which you and I, dear reader, are two). If she doesn’t appreciate the dulcet croons, exhaustive Depression TechnoTM, and the really stellar, patient, welcoming fanbase, then she’s probably not worth keeping around. Yes, that includes your mother. None shall be spared.
You’re sure to score some bonus points with the females for this one! The first track is literally about women. It’s called ‘Burn The Witch’.
A LARGE POSTER OF A NAKED LADY (TASTEFUL)
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why would a woman want a female nude on her wall? That’s counterintuitive – she can just look in the mirror. Well, I think it’s important for a homestead to reflect oneself, to be an earthly cinema, no less. Imagine: above the double bed, a whopping, explicit, film-noir-esque ladybod. Fellas, this is EMPOWERING. This is a crucial aspect of destigmatising female sexuality – a gargantuan, high-res, thin, white, contorted Kate Moss-type. Trust me, no self-respecting woman will be able to resist you after you get her this.
A MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION TO AN INDEPENDENT ROASTERS COFFEE BEANS
This one is a real, infallible cinch. It shows that you like her best when she’s peppy, lively, and functioning at 100%. In fact, it implies that you’d rather not be near her otherwise. The other upside? If she gives up caffeine for her New Year’s resolution (abominable), then you can consume the delicacy yourself, to minimise wastage, of course. I’d recommend always buying this one just in case, even if she doesn’t drink coffee. Probably best to keep it safe in your house, too. Right by your cafetiere. Maybe in a locked box? Let’s face it: she’ll probably be too busy thinking about shoes to notice.
Happy Homogenous Holidays, reader.
Oatis
Author: Naomi Maeve [she/they]
qmunicatemagazine.co.uk 