For decades, the villainous crown of the X-Factor sat firmly on the jagged peak of Simon Cowell’s monstrous quiff. The vampiric and blood-thirsty ‘King’ of entertainment was a proud megalomaniac, who greedily drained the lifeblood out of all ordinary people living with a dream. Mercilessly exploiting the vulnerable to fuel his addiction to facial injections, Simon Cowell made no secret of his devilish barbarity. His entire image was constructed around this outwardly ‘evil’ persona.
Orchestrating his puppets from the right-hand throne of the judges panel, King Simon was the most cut-throat, and unforgiving force within the X-Factor line-up. Sharon Osborne, the cackling and cold-eyed Queen may have killed with more kindness, but kill, she passionately did. These were titans of the pop-music industry who indulged in their own villainy as a form of self-promotion. It was an excellent, electrifying marketing technique that elevated their terrifying status above all the contestants who dared to stand before them.
Sat to the left of this carefully selected duo, was the light-hearted and so-called ‘comic relief’ judge. This ghoulish man was the in fact the most frustratingly seedy, and wicked judge of them all, and he went by the name ‘Louis Walsh.’
Let me preface my attack on this evil phantom by expressing my admittedly embarrassing love for the X-Factor. I am in no way exaggerating when I admit that I think about the X-Factor multiple times a week, if not daily. I have an overwhelming amount of nostalgia regarding the show, which I first watched during the halcyon days of 2010. This was, of course, the infamous year in which One Direction didn’t win. This shortcoming left me feeling genuinely heartbroken and betrayed by the general public for getting things so wrong. My parents, whom I had begged to pay for votes on my behalf, had lined the high-waisted pockets of Simon Cowell’s trousers for nothing, and I was devastated. Of course, this was far from the end for 1D, and knowing what I do now about the cursed contracts that winners find their souls tethered to, I recognise this was probably for the best.
The X-Factor reminds me of having sleepovers at my grandparents’ house on a Sunday night before school, where I would drink hot chocolate and eat rubbish, (this was of course the ‘elimination night,’ in which ‘O Fortuna’ would play as the judges ascended from the Heavens like all-seeing deities. Let us also not forget the sheer magnitude of the superstars that would be jetted out for guest performances during these episodes. It was nothing short of insanity). The X-Factor also reminds me of playing Karaoke with my sister with a 1D branded microphone, one that I am almost certain my mother later sold on Facebook Marketplace. When I was in primary school, the show was a tangible reminder that the countdown to Christmas had begun, and given I was a child expecting a visit from Santa, this was a very exciting premise. Ultimately, these are all things I remember very fondly, and while they all represent broader periods of my life, the X-Factor remains a memorable, central accessory to each.
My guilty pleasure to this day is the audio-visual consumption of ‘X-Factor bad auditions’ on YouTube. I say guilty not because I don’t regard this as bloody brilliant television, but because I now realise how clearly fabricated and exploitative these auditions really were. Recognising this has allowed me to approach my viewing from a new and enlightening perspective; that being my rampant, and relentless criticism of the villainous Louis Walsh.
I lament to you all: it is time for us to pass our judgement on the gruesome grinning judge.
Somehow, despite being the most spineless, greedy, and narcissistic addition to the show, Louis Walsh managed to acquire the reputation of being the X-Factor’s most open-minded, and high-spirited ‘good guy.’ Thankfully, in recent years it has become more explicitly apparent that Louis Walsh is not a pleasant individual, (I am referring to the Boyzone documentary here, however not exclusively.) This revelation has allowed the general public to break away from his witchy spell, and finally recognise that he is just as calculated and manipulative a businessman as Simon.
Rewatching X-Factor bad auditions through this lens, has transformed Louis into a running joke for myself and my partner, (so much so that I even got him a cardboard cut-out of Louis for his flat, and it is just as disturbing as it sounds.) The pair of us quote auditions to one another on a regular basis, with Louis’ Walsh’s classic phrase ‘you look like a popstar, you sound like a popstar,’ being a quintessential favourite.
Naturally, this led to me search for one of the countless videos of Louis delivering this line, so that we both could have a right chuckle at the old git.
Except, much to my horror, there wasn’t any. I could not find one single example of Louis Walsh ever having said this.
Not one single example.
This simply could not be. I felt like I was going insane. How could this be happening? Every time I closed my eyes, Louie’s hamster-like grin would gleefully stare at me as his haunting Irish voice echoed ‘You look like a popstar, you sound like a popstar,’ over, and over, and over again, until I would eventually fall asleep and have nightmare about Louie Walsh passing judgement on my life as if he were God during eschaton.
I have concluded that this spooky phenomenon is not an X-Factor induced collective amnesia, rather, I believe it to be entirely symptomatic of Louis’ wicked ghostly ways. A gleeful, cowardly assassin, Louis has remained a monolithic force within the entertainment industry because he has allowed his nefarious side to remain entirely spectral. Hiding behind an uncanny, smiling mask, Louis’ unpleasant and exploitative treatment of individuals has always been as hauntological, and untraceable as his iconic catchphrase.
This is what frames Louis as an equally dangerous, and pathetic figure. Unlike Sharon and Simon, he was never truly able to carve a television identity for himself. If Simon Cowell was not a vampire and had a shadow, I am most certain that Louis would spend his life cowering within it, ready to pounce on whatever money-making opportunities Simon left behind.
Honor Kerr (she/her)
qmunicatemagazine.co.uk 