This month I’m discussing some of the most embarrassing social interactions; romantic rejections. Defending them seems like an impossible task but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you squint. Really really hard.
The main reason romantic rejection is so hard-hitting is down to its inherent capacity to undermine our self-worth. It’s easy for our ego to interfere, convincing us that rejection is a result of our personal shortcomings, that there’s something inherently broken, undesirable or ugly about us that’s jeopardising our chances of love. It’s laughably self-centered, since nine times out of ten, the reasons someone will reject you have nothing to do with you. People can turn you down for a variety of reasons. Maybe they’re getting over a crush on one of the naked soup baristas, or navigating a death in the family. Maybe they’re going to study abroad in a few weeks’ time, or sexually attracted to a different gender. It’s easy to forget these factors in your maladaptive daydreams, and frequently it’s easier to blame ourselves for what didn’t work out than acknowledging that, potentially, this person might not be as perfect as you thought they were. Perhaps, you weren’t delusional for thinking someone who invited you to watch their set at Berkley suite was interested, but maybe their own musical insecurities (which let’s be honest, are probably founded) coupled with a desire for validation was what truly motivated that invitation. When we like somebody, infatuation frequently slips into idolisation, but rejection reframes things. This person, like you, is just a person riddled with flaws, insecurities and questionable music taste. They won’t always be the most emotionally mature, but that doesn’t make them evil (though, there’s always some). In any case, recognising the shortcomings of their behavior could help you come to terms with the fact that you probably shouldn’t date this person anyway.
Another positive aspect of rejection is that it’s an absolute answer. I recently got rejected – which stung, but in retrospect, it was what I needed to hear. It shattered the illusion of romance I’d built up in my head, providing me with respite from a crush so intense which had affected my uni work, my social life and my mental health. Yes, I felt devastated that my feelings weren’t reciprocated yet simultaneously, I was content in knowing that I’d tried. I’d communicated my interest and I’d invited them places, which was ultimately the only thing I could do, short of hiring a TikTok witch to manifest them into returning my feelings. Alerting someone of your interest is a rare thing you have control over when dating, so in a scenario with countless uncertainties, why not let the other person know where you stand? Being rejected evaporates the ‘what ifs?’ allowing you to accept the outcome even if it’s not what you wanted. Moreover, clarity catalyzes moving on. This person doesn’t like you, but someone will.
Finally, if you’re in the indisputably more fortunate position of being the rejector, it can be a good opportunity to practice healthy communication. It’s going to be a bit awkward and messy, but there’s things you can do to soften the blow. Firstly, stop ghosting people. If you don’t want to date someone, tell them. They probably deserve to be told in person but it’s obviously difficult to muster the words, when you know they’re probably going to hurt someone’s feelings. Personally, I’m okay with a nicely worded text but it’s definitely dependent on the person you’re seeing. If you know they wouldn’t want to hear it over the phone… do it in person. Secondly, don’t avoid hurting people’s feelings. Rejection in essence is painful. Now I’m not saying you need to be horrible and list all the reasons you would never even consider dating them, but sometimes we have to accept that in another narrative, we’re going to be the villain. It’s completely natural to be ridiculed by the friendship group of the person you turned down and perhaps even the person themselves. SO WHAT? GROW UP. Not everyone likes you, but maybe, if you clearly convey your intentions and are considerate of their feelings, they’ll come to respect you and see that you’re not so bad. Or maybe not. In any case, at least you’ll have the moral high ground.
To conclude; rejection has the opportunity to teach you perspective. It will likely alter one aspect of your life, however, the entire thing isn’t going to come crashing down. It will hurt, but you’ll keep going to uni, keep practicing your hobbies, show your face at Glasgow’s best soup establishment once again, recognising that there’s happiness to be found in many other areas of life.
By Severine Bernard
@eviebernard
(In Celebration Of is a monthly column by Severine Bernard, exclusive to qmunicatemagazine.co.uk. Stay tuned for more installments!)
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